Don't Picture Your Dad in This

When my clock radio alarm went off this morning, I awoke to morning talk show chatter about man thongs. Not the kind of thongs that you slip on your feet, mind you. The other kind.

While still in a sleepy, discombobulated state, I lay in bed listening to male callers praising the benefits of wearing a thong (and yes, they were straight). These benefits include, but are not limited to, the following: 1) reduced excessive sweating; 2) improved circulation compared to wearing briefs; 3) they are, of course, sexy, sexy, sexy.

After leaving the house, but still intrigued by the concept, I googled "thongs for men" to see what I would find. I probably should not have done this while at work but curiosity trumped good judgment.

The number of results that turned up was impressive. I only clicked on one site - internationaljock.com - and was fascinated to see the vast array of styles and colors in which these male thongs are shown and the hefty price tags that go with them.

Take the California Muscle Teaser Thong (in cherry), for example:

"California Muscle’s sexy Teaser thong leaves little to the imagination. The contoured pouch includes a hidden c-ring inside that lifts your boys up and forward for an enhanced male bulge. Made from a soft, stretchy, quick-drying blend of 85% cotton and 15% lycra for a comfortable stretch that hugs your body. This erotic posing strap can be worn as underwear, in the bedroom or (if you’re the adventurous type) at the beach or by the pool. Elastic waistband, single ply front pouch. Made in the U.S.A."

I'm much less bothered by men wearing these pretty, skimpy things than by their price tags. Would you really pay $40+ for a piece of string and a small patch of cotton loin cloth? You might as well go commando and use that wad of cash for something more worthwhile. Like buying me dinner.

I'm amused by the fact that women now wear boy shorts and men are wearing shimmery cherry-colored thongs. I'm all for defying social norms in the undergarment-wearing context. But I'm left to wonder, what could possibly be next?

My latest greatest idea is to make underwear that have snaps on the sides, so pulling them up or down the legs is unnecessary. This would be especially useful when you are somehow already wearing shoes but not pants (unless they're snap-offs too) and need to put on a fresh new pair of undies. I'm sure you can think of at least a few more scenarios in which snap off underwear would be convenient. Who's with me here??

The Bicycle Thief Rides Again

To break up the monotony of the multi-part series about my past life as a service volunteer in the South, I have invited former - and perhaps soon to be regular - guest blogger, Grandma D, to share another titillating story with y'all. Enjoy!

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My tale of failed bicycle thievery was so enthralling, that I’ve been asked to do another guest blog. While seemingly unrelated, both entries reveal unpredicted perils of my seemingly safe job as a grad student. Below are the contents of an email I received last week. I have removed any identifying information.

Subject: IMPORTANT PLEASE READ

Hi Grandma D,

I might be having the wrong Grandma D so disregard this if it does not pertain to you. A woman to what I believe said she lives in (state). She called early today to ask if we had a Grandma D who was associated with (Grandma D's academic program) here at (Grandma D's University). Of course no information was revealed to her but she informed us of the following: Her name was (her name) and that you (supposedly) were spreading rumors about her that she was a child molester and other hurtful things. Also that her computer was being hacked and that she was being billed for many things she did not purchase or use. She then stated that she was also a scientist so she knew that there were RF waves or MRI wave being sent through to her apartment to conduct a potential experiment which was giving her a head ache. She says she has bought equipment to test to see if her thoughts were true which she said that she was. She informed me that she has informed the police and the FBI. I was just letting you know the conversation so once again if this information does not pertain to you please disregard.

Thank you for your time,
(third name)
Office Assistant
(another academic program)

--END--

According to a prominent psychiatrist, this is probably nothing to worry about unless she contacts me directly.